


cold room

by sasakiarisu



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Flashbacks, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Nightmares, apologies for this, can be read as platonic, tsumugi reminiscing about him and tasuku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:22:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25844995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasakiarisu/pseuds/sasakiarisu
Summary: Waking up from aparticulardream, Tsumugi reminisces about the past.
Relationships: Takatoo Tasuku/Tsukioka Tsumugi
Kudos: 21





	cold room

**Author's Note:**

> nocturnality is making me become nocturnal too yay,,, i just really want azuma ssr :'(
> 
> anyways, here we go...

He wakes up in the middle of the night, panting like he just came back from a run. His heart was racing rapidly in his chest and sweat was trickling down his face. He glances around his surroundings, soon realizing that he was still inside his apartment. The room was cold and dark, the moonlight penetrating the windows the only source of the light inside. He tries to even out his breathing and heaves a long, drawn sigh before his eyes catch sight of the wall clock hanging across his bed.

2 AM. _Like the past few days._

Anxiety gathers at the pit of his stomach as he cups his face with his hands, unwanted memories flashing back in his mind once more. He has been trying to suppress them for how long now, trying to move past everything that happened a year ago. Tsumugi has been trying to heal the wounds from before, but they keep on reopening no matter how many times he tries to stitch them. And lately, even in his dreams, the pain haunts him, reminding him of the betrayal he did to _him._ It stabs through his chest like a honed knife, piercing his mind and heart, draining him of energy. The guilt eats away at him every time he remembers him and his _words_. He definitely doesn't deserve to stand beside him, to _act_ with him like he used to dream of, but Tsumugi knows it is still what he desires until now. He still tries to repress them, knowing fully that he cannot go back to meet him once more.

He couldn't. And he _shouldn't_.

The blue-haired male remained sitting on his bed before he moves a little closer to the windows on his side, parting the curtains slightly. Scattered across the dark skies were thousands of stars twinkling continuously, and it brings him back to the time he last laughed and smiled genuinely with his best friend. Tasuku looked excited that time, and while he felt antsy, he was feeling the same as his friend. Tsumugi thought back then that he would be able to act with his best friend for a long time, that they would be able to make their dreams come true, but it was a wishful thinking. He never thought that _that_ would be the last day he would be able to spend his time with Tasuku freely and happily. It just didn't occur to him that it was the last time they would be laughing together genuinely.

His heart clenches at the memory and his throat constricts a little. He closes the curtain and lays down on his bed again.

The ceiling looked plain and bleak even if it doesn't look that way before. His blue irises remain glued on the sight, somber and gloomy, reflecting the whole atmosphere around him, reflecting how he feel right now. He has been away from Tasuku for a year now and at this point he should be used to that fact already, yet he still searches for his presence. He's been with him the moment he was born, and the separation hurt him a lot, even if he knows it was his choice. A hollow void formed in his heart after he left him, and even with these new people surrounding him, even with these new friends he has, it was never filled. Tasuku was already a part of him, and the space that he occupied in his heart will never be replaced by anyone else.

_"Hey Taa-chan," he calls out to him as they settle down on a bench, water bottles in their hands. Tasuku glances at him as if asking him what's the matter. "Haha, it's just that, I wonder. What's your dream?"_

_"Shouldn't you know by now?"_

_"Yeah, but I want to hear it from you, you know."_

_His best friend's face blush slightly as he looks away from him. Tsumugi silently chuckles at the sight. Tasuku is really embarrassed about this. "Well, I want to keep on acting on stage. I want to give the best performance I could ever give. And I want to keep acting with you. I want the two of us to continue standing on the same stage. That's my dream."_

_It renders him speechless. He knew Tasuku would want to keep acting, but he was really glad that he wanted to do it with him, too. A smile unconsciously forms on his face as he looks up at the stars twinkling in the sky. He wants to act beside him as well. And he wishes he could always stand on the same stage as Tasuku._

_"I want to keep acting together with you, too, Taa-chan," then he looks at him, smiling. "It has always been my dream."_

_Tasuku smiles softly at him. "Then let's keep on doing our best."_

_"Yeah..."_

The way Tasuku beamed at him that _particular_ night was still imprinted on his mind, belonging to those moments he had kept close with him. It was one of the fondest memories he has with him, and because of that, his sudden recollection pained him even more. It chases him even in his dreams, and he wakes up each night, aching, feeling empty and at loss. Before, seeing his friend smile brings a sense of contentment and happiness to him, but now remembering that only makes his wounds sting so much. The dream he shared with his best friend is already shattered, and it hurts Tsumugi to think that it ended up that way because of him.

He really, _really_ doesn't deserve to stand beside him anymore. 

Tsumugi shifts from his position, turning on his side, hugging himself. His eyes are becoming clouded and the room felt even colder than before. Sometimes, he wonders. He wonders if Tasuku feels the same way as him, if he was hurting like the way he is even until now. The blue-haired male wonders if he still longs for him, too, but he knows his best friend has already what he dreamt for. Tsumugi knows that Tasuku is already happy with everything right now, and that maybe, he detests him for giving up on acting just like that, for being a coward and running away from his failure. Maybe he detests him for leaving, and he can't blame him for that. Because he also hates how he just surrendered like that.

_I don't deserve standing on the same stage as you, but I'm selfish for still desiring it,_ he can only think as his heart ached even more. _And I don't deserve to be beside you at all, yet I can't help it._

"I'm sorry," he murmurs quietly into the night, a teardrop rolling down his cheeks. "I'm really sorry for everything, Tasuku."

And he falls asleep that morning, arms wrapped around himself and tears staining his cheeks.

**Author's Note:**

> aah i'm not sure what to say sksjsk but thank you for reading this one (and leaving kudos/comments if ever)!! it makes me happy really. i'm sorry if there were errors in the story as a whole, if tsumugi seemed ooc or anything. i'll do my best to write better in the future. lastly, i hope you all are safe, and good luck to those who are ranking in the event! haha ilyy guys <3
> 
> ciao~
> 
> p.s. the new pacman gacha cards are so pretty pls come home


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